The Death of Ambition
High-strung High-achievers! Graham here.
So I’m back from my break.
(Sort of.)
Regular readers will recall that I just went on a two-week break, the theme of which was essentially, ‘oh god I’ve hit the wall but I’m still going, trailing bits of wall behind me HOW DO I STOP PLEASE.’
(Really regular readers may have noticed that this wall-hitting behaviour isn’t exactly anything new. Shhhh.)
So I took two weeks off. For the first time in… way too long. And it was glorious.
So what did I learn?
Many things my friends, perhaps the simplest and most important of which was this.
I can relax.
Let me restate that for emphasis.
I can relax!
This may not seem like all that much of a revelation, but I have a feeling many of you will relate when I say… I genuinely had my doubts about that.
After years of habitual tightening, years of learning to squeeze your big feelings into the often narrow confines of polite society, you start to wonder. Maybe ‘relaxing’ just isn’t in my repertoire?
The fear of taking a break
Over the years, I’ve often told myself it’s the work I do, or my various other life responsibilities that keep me so stressed.
If only I didn't have all this stuff to do, I'd be a completely chilled out person...
But I think I always knew (deep down in that place where you know things you’d rather not think about) that it’s never been just the work that keeps me so stressed.
In fact, it’s more like the other way around.
It’s the stress that keeps me working so hard. Because what’s the alternative? Stop, and be alone with my thoughts? GOOD LORD.
When you live your life on high alert, revving constantly in the red zone about every little thing, there’s something kind of terrifying about taking a break. That nagging voice, what if I stop, but I don’t feel any different?
No wonder it took me so long to do it.
But what I found was very encouraging
I learned a lot in just two weeks. I’ll share some of these insights in future newsletters.
One of these insights is pretty simple. That just because the two-week break is over doesn’t mean I have to throw myself back into everything full tilt.
In fact, the truth is, I just can’t. I don't have the juice for it anymore. Whatever I thought I was going to get done 'before Christmas', so much of it just isn't going to happen. And in 2020 of all years, that's just going to have to be okay.
So for the next few months, I’m engaging in something of an experiment. For the rest of this year, what would it look like to go at my own pace, to hold all those to-do list items just a little more loosely? To stay out of that high-revving red zone? How might I even do that?
Right before I went on this break, I had a big chat about all this with Gareth - our resident Big Feels guru, and we recorded it in a podcast ep we’ve called The Death of Ambition.
Things we cover in this podcast ep...
Why we push ourselves so hard (what are we trying to prove??)
How to actually take a break (seriously though, what do you actually *do* when you decide you want to stop doing so damn much?)
What if you didn’t have to ‘be somebody’ in order to feel like you still belong on earth?
If your ambition dies… how do you grieve for it? For the life you thought you were going to have, but maybe don’t want anymore?
It’s a fucking great discussion, if you want my honest opinion :)
Click the big pink button below to launch in Apple Podcasts. Click here to listen in your browser. Or search ‘big feels club’ in most podcast players.
Once you've listened... tell Gareth if you want him to write his book
“The Death of Ambition” started life as a book Gareth was going to write. To this day, it remains a book he was going to write. Which is very appropriate, given the subject matter.
But if you feel compelled, you can tell him a bit about what you’d want to get out of a book like that. Once you’ve listened to the podcast, use this here form to do that.
Or, you know, don’t!
P.s. thanks for those who've offered their web skills...
I put out a call out in the last issue for Squarespace whizzes to potentially help me with the Big Feels website.
I got so many responses! So many that I'll take a little while to sort through 'em all, especially in my new 'not trying to do everything all at once' mode. So bear with me if you don't get a reply right away. Know that I appreciate your collective keenness immensely...
