Am I an alcoholic? Or am I just in a whole lot of pain?

Prolific Ponderers! Graham here.

We're trying a couple of new things this week (oooOOOooo new stuff. Terrifying.)

This week's newsletter will be in comic form, thanks to the genius of Sarah Firth, a close mate (and Big Feels reader!)

We’re also gonna feature for the first time some reader responses. After every newsletter we put out, we usually have a few people get in touch to share their thoughts and feels. Issue 015 really struck a chord (or was it a nerve? a nervous chord?) 'cause we had a bunch of really thoughtful responses. Too good to horde these to ourselves in the Big Feels inbox! But first, Sarah.

Drink. Drank. Drunk.

Sarah Firth makes comics, graphic novels, animations and films, and she’s damn good at it.

She's also got big feels!

When I saw this piece she did about drinking and life’s messier bits, it got me in the feelings. So I asked if I could share it with y’all.

Sarah calls this “a sad little comic”. I found it sad in parts too, but also comforting, and even uplifting, in that ‘ohhhh I’m not the only one finding life this hard’ kind of a way. See what comes up for you.

This piece was originally posted on The Nib. If you like what you saw, you can show Sarah some love by signing up to *her* spiffy email newsletter. Also Sarah's currently a finalist in Frankie Magazine's Good Stuff Awards (in two different categories even!). You can check out her two pieces that are up for awards here, her animation work, and her writing, and if they're your kind of thing, you can vote for her at those links.

Sometimes we need to not have an answer

I think what I loved most about Sarah’s comic is the ending. She poses some big, gooey questions (am I an alcoholic, or is it mental health? Should I keep drinking or not?) But in the end, she doesn’t have an answer.

Boy can I relate to that.

So often, when I’m having a Very Bad Time, I go searching for the explanation. What is going on? What do I *call* this crisis? What does it mean about me?

The feeling is, if I can just get the right explanation - the right label for this breakdown - then I’ll know what to do.

I can picture a Public Service Announcement about drinking, with a very different ending to Sarah’s comic. You know that standard, nice, neat conclusion: ‘go see your GP about your drinking’.

This is not that. This is a different thing.

Lately I’ve been wondering, in the hard times, can I get a little more comfortable with not always having an explanation?

Because not every question has a nice, neat answer. (And even if it does, those answers usually come with more questions!)

There’s a kind of wisdom in that gap between asking and answering. To sit for just a while with the not knowing. Sit with not having an answer. And in those times, it sure helps to know there are other people sitting there too.

Reader responses to last issue!

Our last issue prompted a wave of thoughtful, insightful feedback we just had to share.

Unlike me, a self-confessed scavenger of ideas, at least a couple of readers have actually *read* the book that the Bill of Assertive Rights comes from. (Yay for feelings nerds!). Here are some of their thoughts.

...

Jessie said “the author of the book seems a bit harsh”. She found some useful stuff in there, but it also got her thinking about the value of not always knowing or asserting hard and fast boundaries.

“I actually like those parts of myself, that I doubt myself. That I’m easily swayed. I think people are often set in their ways. I do want to listen to my inner voice more, but I also like that I do things that make me uncomfortable.”

Jessie gave the example of how she often ends up lending a supportive ear to people, even if she’s feeling a bit exhausted. Jessie said, she doesn’t want to stop doing this, she’s good at it and it’s a valuable social skill. But she’s keen to be more aware of what’s happening, so she can consent to it in a more active way.

...

Nalini, who's also read the book, gave a great perspective on that very same topic of how to say no to a friend in need.

“I've been reading the book "When I say no, I feel guilty". I sort of love the tongue-in-cheek-ness of it but also feel disheartened that it, well, doesn't really promote heart-to-heart communication in the same way Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg does.

I think it'd work great for people I don't really 'care' that deeply about - acquaintances, strangers, cashiers etc - since it provides a simple, no-nonsense way to cheerily say no with ease...but for people I care about, I would much rather use something like Non-Violent Communication that promotes more open-heartedness and understanding; essentially enriching our relationship rather than a point blank no.

...

Finally, Ian told us about how, even when he does want to stay in a social interaction, there's some pretending involved:

"A part of my wanting to curl up and leave arises in my lack of skill in managing the interaction. I used to want to stick around, but managing the interaction wore me out quickly. 

So, I still pretend a little. Not about wanting to be there, but about knowing how to be there comfortably.

I need to be assertive (and kind) with myself. I can feel okay, not guilty, about being resilient and staying a couple more minutes."