When I say no I feel guilty (and other passive adventures)

Guilt-ridden Go-getters! Graham here.

A few nights back, I found myself lying on my couch, pretending to read a book.

Why was I pretending to read a book? 

My housemates and I had been having a celebratory dinner. Nothing too fancy - some good takeout and a bottle of wine. But my People Brain had reached its fill, and the part of me that wanted to curl up in bed with a book was politely whispering, ‘can I have a turn now??’

Yet for some reason, I didn’t feel like I could just up and leave. Mostly because we’d only just finished dinner, so we hadn’t yet reached the official, unspoken social event finish line. So I stuck it out for a bit. Sort of.

I made it as far as the couch. Book in hand. Pretending to still be in the conversation. Pretending this half measure would satisfy my need for alone time.

See, look, still sociable, not killing the vibe. See? Oh look I’ve read the same sentence 8 times and I’m kind of annoyed at no one in particular.

So what’s all that about then?

The Bill of Assertive Rights

On hearing this story, my therapist and I got into a long and useful conversation about assertiveness. We defined assertiveness as, ‘thinking, saying, and doing what you want, when you want, regardless of other people’s feelings or opinions.’

If you’re anything like me, even that definition might feel a little confronting. You can’t completely ignore other people’s wishes can you? If you want to leave a party early, but you think it'll disappoint your friends, you factor that into your decision right?

In response to this, my therapist handed me a small treasure. I thought I’d share it.

It's called the “Bill of Assertive Rights” (from a book by Manuel J Smith called When I Say No, I Feel Guilty), and it basically has an answer for every reason my brain can think of for putting other people's needs before my own.

For instance:

Me: I really want to go to bed and read my book. Maybe I’ll just say I’m really, really tired. I mean I *am* tired. But I’ll really make a thing of it?

Bill of Assertive Rights: You don't have to give reasons or excuses for justifying your behaviour. You have the right just to do what you want to do.

Me: But what if me leaving kills the vibe and everyone’s really disappointed?

Bill of Assertive Rights: You don't have to solve other people's problems. You have the right to let them figure it out for themselves.

Me: But I was the one who suggested this dinner in the first place! I’ve got to stick it out.

Bill of Assertive Rights: You have the right to change your mind.

Bodie, also struggling to read on that very same couch.

You will disappoint other people. You have to.

People are hard work sometimes. We all want different things at different times, and even when we like each other, the chances that our wants and needs will always perfectly align are absolute zero.

Sometimes you’re going to want things that will disappoint other people. Like to go to your room and read a book, when others want you stick around and chat.

You're going to have to disappoint people every now and then to get what you want. Not to be too blunt, but it's either that or a lifetime of pretend couch-reading.

You’ve learned that assertiveness is unkind

So why do we find it so hard to be assertive?

Pretend couch-reading is brought to you by the same bit of your brain that sponsors little habits like, ‘closing the door to your room really quietly and gently, in case any of your housemates thinks you're subtly telling them to fuck off.’

(Or is that just me??)

Back to my therapist here: You want the door closed, you want some separation. These are completely reasonable ways of coping with other people. (It’s why we invented doors, right?).

But somewhere along the line you’ve learned that asserting your own wants is an aggressive act. So you soften it. You make it passive. You pull your door shut silently. Or you only make it to the couch.

When you notice yourself being passive...

Eventually I did get off that couch. I left the living room saying something apologetic like 'sorry I’m just really exhausted, I need to go collapse.'

My therapist's last bit of homework for me? To notice when I find myself saying 'I need…' instead of 'I want...'

'I need some time to myself' is more assertive than staying on the couch against your will, but better yet is something like, 'I feel like chilling out by myself now’.

Find that hard to say, like I do? Check out that bill of rights again. And this other tidbit from my therapist: the only way to get good at assertiveness is to practice. And practice with compassion: this shit’s hard people!

The whole couch thing is a case in point. If we asked Mean Beyonce (the mean yet dazzlingly charismatic voice inside us all) what she thought of my pretend couch-reading, she'd say something like ‘you can’t even leave a room without other people’s permission ya big dork’. But we're not asking her. Instead we're asking Compassionate Moi, and Compassionate Moi might say something more like, ‘well, at least you made it to the couch right? And then you did eventually leave! Kiiiillin' it.'

(Thank you Compassionate Moi. You're a treasure. Now leave me alone I'm trying to read.)