My phone is a toddler who thinks he's my personal assistant

This may come as a surprise to our regular readers, but recently I was feeling a little overwhelmed by life. Who knew? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I had a few things going on, of the Big Stressy Life Things variety, so I decided to remove one of the Small Stressy Life Things that had been bugging me for a while. My phone.

One Sunday morning I woke up with a bold plan. I was going to spend a whole day off my phone.

This experiment took me to some interesting places (including a park I never even knew was right near my house). Here are a few things this phone-free day revealed about my relationship with my fondleslab.

#1. My phone is the world's worst personal assistant

My phone knows my appointments. You’d think my phone would care about them, but my phone has no idea what it’s doing.

One moment it will tell me I have an important deadline coming up, so I really need to sit down and work. It will tell me literally seconds later that there are three new episodes of my favourite podcasts.

It will remind me it's time to leave for my big meeting and at the same time show me an anxiety-inducing email, with just enough of the content visible so I’ll either stop the car to read it or spend the commute freaking out.

There is no attempt to manage what info I need and when. There is just “this!" and "now!" and “PAY ATTENTION TO ME?”

#2. My phone’s only real job is to keep me glued to my phone

My phone has its own priorities, and those priorities have nothing to do with mine - even though at first glance they look like they do.

Yes, it’s got all my appointments. Yes, it remembers all my favourite podcasts and websites. But my phone’s only real priority is to keep me glued to my phone.

It leaves no space for me to actually focus on the tasks it reminds me about, or to enjoy the entertainment it offers.

#3. My phone will never sync to my life

The rhythm of my life can't ever match the “this! now this! now this!" rhythm of my phone. When I try to keep up, I feel crazy. Distinctly on edge. Never present, always anticipating the inevitable interruption.

I’ve been conditioned to go seek out that interruption - so even when I turn notifications off, I find myself cycling through the apps. It’s like I have an *actual* toddler who’s been out of sight for 30 seconds, and I think, ‘uh oh, what mess has she made??’

Because our phones are not just our phones. They’re working with our muscle memory, our brain’s reward systems, and on and on.

No wonder I can find myself saying 'ok need a screen break' and then literally three seconds later be mindlessly reading basketball news.

#4. Unfinishable tasks will make you crazy

Of course it’s not just our phones, it’s all those other crappy personal assistants in our lives - social media, email - with no regard for our wellbeing.

Productivity nut David Allen says what causes the most anxiety in our lives isn’t stressful tasks, it’s unfinished tasks. And what is more unfinishable than the endless Facebook scroll? Or the inbox that will never remain empty?

I think this is why putting down my phone for a day felt so revolutionary to me. My phone represents all the things I am most on edge about, day to day. Communication with others. People’s expectations. Even with the phone switched off in my hand, I noticed it still gave me this jolt of edginess, imagining the potential messages I was ignoring.

#5. Relaxation can be stressful

So what happened to me on that phone (and laptop) free Sunday?

It was a day off, and most of my leisure activities involve my phone one way or the other. So the first thing I noticed was just how much space there was in my day.

And after a few hours, I noticed how much space there was in my body. My shoulders were more relaxed, my breath more easy.

I go to my phone for relaxation, but for a long time I’ve suspected it just makes me more tense. When I’m sliding down the bottomless Facebook well or checking the news, I am anything but relaxed.

And I think that may even be the point.

#6. Want to pause your feelings? There’s an app for that

I pick up the phone because I’m feeling something I don’t want to be feeling - most commonly boredom, but sometimes it’s all kinds of other uncomfortable things. Sadness. Fear.

The tension I feel when mindlessly scrolling, it isn’t necessarily a better feeling, but it is a kind of pause button. A way of disconnecting from my gooey human stuff.

Our phones make this disconnection into a kind of game. A cycle of running away from our feelings.

Check the news, get depressed, go to Facebook to be cheered up, fall in a scroll-hole, feel guilty, look up dazed and realise you’re already loading the news again.

An actual day off

That Sunday felt like the first time in a long time that a day off has really been a day off. I still had things I needed to do, but without all those self-imposed micro-tasks (clearing my notification screens) I managed to genuinely relax.

I ended up wandering aimlessly around my neighborhood with the dog, and sitting in a park. It was great.

I resolved to leave my phone off for a few more days. That resolve lasted until the following morning. But over the next few days, at least I could notice how much of my phone-related anxiety is self-imposed, and remember that I can, in fact, switch it off.

Some genuinely useful tips for reining in your phone

I didn't keep up the phone-free days, but I did find this list of genuinely useful anti-hacks for my phone. They'll make your phone less of a toddler, and more of a faithful pooch. Sure, you might still spend time staring at his adorable face, but he won't need quite as much of your attention just to survive.

(Yes. I made that analogy just so I could include this photo.)

Here are the tips I found most habit-altering from that site:

1. Turn off all notifications, except those that are from actual people. This includes removing badges (those eye-catching, stress-inducing red numbers on the top right of your phone icon, your email app, etc). Oh my god the sweet relief of just not having a daily reminder of how many emails I haven't replied to!

2. Rearrange your apps. You make your home screen just have your single-use tools (like maps, or your calendar) and move all those mindless scrolling apps to folders.

3. Facebook Newsfeed Eradicator. If you try nothing else, try this one. Seriously.

Got hot tips of your own? Tell us about 'em over here!