“Just ask for help.” Is it really that simple?
As you may have noticed, the world is talking about suicide again. In the past week or so, you’ve probably been told (indirectly) to reach out if you’re struggling. This issue we ask, what do people actually mean when they tell us to “just ask for help”?
But first, an exciting piece of actually uplifting news! (WHAT!)
The book club! It’s starting! Next month!
You wanted it. Your collective eagerness convinced a generous private donor to fund it. And now here we are, a month away from a grand, global experiment in FEELINGS. Fuck raising awareness, we’re going to raise hell.
(Politely.)
(In book club form.)
See the end of this newsletter for a sneak peak at topic #001, landing late July - or click here for all the info you need to get involved.
For now, once more into that existential breach dear friends...
The world is talking about suicide again (and it is very unsatisfying)
After the deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, my social media feed and news apps are all buzzing with opinions about suicide.
When it’s something you already think about a fair bit, watching everyone else talk about it can be strangely disconnecting. I’ve been trying to figure out why.
If you don’t often have to think about suicide, celebrity deaths are uncomfortable. Suddenly you have to think about this overwhelming, confusing thing. One way to deal with that discomfort is to talk about it.
But how can you talk about it in a way that doesn't just feel like a storm of unsolicited advice to friends who are struggling? And what are people really trying to say when they tell us to ‘ask for help?’
It’s not always as simple as ‘just ask for help’
It makes sense that hearing about Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade makes people scared and confused. But the thing is, people don't usually own that fear and confusion. Instead they dish out advice. 'Ask for help! There's no shame!'
Here's the thing though, there's a million reasons why it's often not as simple as 'just asking for help'. And sometimes (usually) there *is* shame - lots of it. Saying 'no shame, no stigma' doesn't change that.
I think what people are really trying to say is: they *wish* it was simpler for people to get help. They *wish* people felt their pain was not a sign of weakness. They *wish* society didn't regularly give us the false message that pain and suffering make us less productive members of society.
Don’t tell me what to do. Tell me how you feel.
I wish people could own their own feelings on this stuff, rather than turn the spotlight on all us sensitive cats. I wish people could say something like:
'hey hearing about Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade freaks me out. I'm worried about my friends, and if any of them are struggling, I hope they know I'm here.'
If you want your friends who are struggling to reach out to you, give them an opening. For me, the best opening is not advice (‘just reach out!’). It’s being vulnerable yourself. Show me how this stuff affects you too, so I feel more comfortable sharing my own sensitivities.
The simplified story of mental health
When the world starts talking about suicide again, we double down on that old simple story about mental health. The one that goes, ‘these people are sick, they just need our help.’
It’s a simple story with a simple call to action. If we can just raise enough awareness, no one will feel pain and shame and fear anymore. The light of awareness will pierce the darkness us sensitive cats seem so drawn to.
I get it. If the alternative is guilt-tripping attacks on our resilience (oh god that word), then give me the far more well-meaning cliches of awareness-raising any day.
When awareness gets uncomfortable
But when you’re struggling, all that awareness can be a little intense. It's like the world is suddenly shining a great big spotlight on all your most sensitive bits while chanting 'just ask for help!'
It doesn't help that most awareness raising efforts still focuses on what's 'wrong' with people like us. As I wrote during Mental Health Week last year:
“Mental health campaigns are not actively trying to shame you – they’re trying to do the opposite. But this stuff is damn complicated, and when you already feel completely bewildered by the botherings of your own brain, any hint of an idea that you are broken is going to zero-in on your shame button and hold that sucker down.”
Waving the flag for the messiness of being human
If you don’t see yourself in that simple story (‘you were broken, you got help, you’re all good now yeah?’) then what?
This is actually where us sensitive cats can step in - not to change the world, just to add some nuance to the story.
It’s been shown that when people talk about coping with their own times of crisis, this has a very positive effect on getting others through a suicidal crisis.
And you know what? I think sharing your own messy stuff can be helpful to others even if you haven’t ‘gotten through’ your crisis yet. Even if your crisis is basically living with you (but refusing to pay rent).
Because it’s not just about awareness. It’s not about advice. It’s not even just about hope. When we share our own stuff, we are waving the flag for the messiness of being human. We are saying, I’m in this shit too, I’m here - whether we say this to one trusted friend, or to a more public forum (if you have the privilege of being able to speak out without major consequences, which not all of us do).
And the best part? When you’re waving this flag, you don’t need to have an answer. You don’t need to *be* the answer. You don’t have to have it all figured out. All you gotta do is wave that flag.
Come and join us over here on Facebook, or over here on Twitter to add your two cents to the discussion. It's a juicy one.
Some good and unexpected reads on the subject of suicide
Here are some reads I’ve come across that give a little more nuance than the typical conversation about suicide.
Sarah Wilson, “First We Make The Beast Beautiful”
Sarah Wilson’s stellar book about anxiety, which is really a book about the pain and joy of being human. She doesn’t mention her suicidal experiences until right near the end, but the whole book is well worth the read.
Tim Ferriss, Some Practical Thoughts On Suicide
A blog post from productivity nut and hack-your-life nerd Tim Ferriss. This was a very unexpected source of such gooeyness. I love it mostly for that. You never know who’s going through this stuff. You just never do.
Matt Haig, Reasons To Stay Alive
The blog post that became the book of the same name, which I am currently reading. Best bit so far, from when he first starts feeling awful. “In my laughable naivety I did not really think that what I was experiencing was something that other people had ever felt. Because it was so alien to me I thought it had to be alien to the species.” (Oof. Yip.)
And of course our own Gareth Edwards, The Procrastinator’s Guide to Killing Yourself
You can check out an excerpt in the guest post Gareth did for us, What do you do when life feels unliveable?
**Have thoughts on any of these? Or more good reads or listens on this subject? Post ‘em over here so we can all check ‘em out...**
Need to talk to someone? We made a page of support services, including a bunch that are run by other people who’ve been through this stuff themselves. If you need to talk to someone about what’s going on in your head, I encourage you to take a look here.
Want to talk about this gooey life stuff with other people? (gasp!)
That simplified story of mental health (get help! get better!), it always leaves me wanting more. I want to talk about the nuance, the grey area, the gooey stuff in between. What does it mean to feel like a piece of shit sometimes. How do other people make sense of that messy, human stuff, in the course of a lifetime?
Since we started this newsletter almost a year ago, we've heard from hundreds of y'all saying something similar. 'I want to talk about this stuff with other people who *get it*.'
But where do you go to talk about big, scary feelings, that doesn't make you feel like a loser? To feel like you belong on earth, no matter what's happening in that big old brain right now?
Introducing the very first season of the Big Feels book club. It's open to all of you, wherever in the world you live - starting this July, running monthly till the end of the year. Our first topic...
Book Club #001
Does everyone else find life this hard??
Ever feel like you have to dress up in office drag just to make it to work? Or that parties are actually a form of socially-sanctioned torture (just with better snacks)?
Do you feel like even your impostor syndrome has impostor syndrome??
Join us and a bunch of other sensitive cats for our first 'book club for feelings'. Together we'll ask the BIG QUESTIONS, like:
1. How normal is it to feel like a total loser?
2. How do your feelings get in the way of doing the things you want to do?
(And the bazillion dollar question)
3. How do you acknowledge your own unique sensitivities, without just piling on the self-judgement?
For more info and to sign up - go here :)))
