Group Culture and Ground Rules
This page sets out the culture and ground rules governing our shared spaces: the monthly talks, and any other forums we create.
First off, why do we need a guide like this?
Here’s the thing. Online mental health spaces can be pretty... intense?
Sometimes an online mental health forum is the only place a person can be honest about what’s going on for them. So quite understandably, they’re often filled with harrowing, in-depth stories about big, heavy life stuff.
Our members tell us that this isn’t always useful.
It’s 4AM. You stumble on a forum post that describes your situation entirely, and have that hopeful spark of ‘wait, it’s not just me??’ Only to then notice the post is from five years ago, and that no one ever responded, and who even knows where that person is now.
Not the most nourishing experience.
As one Big Feels Clubber put it, “some of those forums feel like a competition to see who can be the most miserable. And some days I could probably win that competition, but I don’t want to!”
Our club members tend to be sensitive, highly conscientious souls. So either they get overwhelmed by spaces like these and leave, or they stick around and become the ‘listener’ (then get overwhelmed and leave).
So the question becomes…
How could we create a space for strangers to meet and talk about mental health that feels real, but not overwhelming?
Big question!
At the Big Feels Club, we have two answers.
1. We do things a little differently
You’ll notice we don’t do written forums, other than for very specific, time-limited purposes, like when we run the Kinder Mind course.
This is a very deliberate choice. Firstly, as you might imagine, it takes a *lot* of time and emotional energy to moderate a written forum, 24/7, year round. As two people (and one emotionally deluxe dog) we just don’t have the capacity to do that.
Secondly, most of our members tell us that’s not actually what they even want. They tell us they get their connection itch scratched most satisfyingly by our Zoom talks, where they can see and hear real live fellow big feelers in a clearly defined, time-limited space, without necessarily needing to join in or respond to anything that is said.
Unlike a written forum, our talks are not a free-for-all. You won’t always get the chance to speak. But it’s a way of being present together through hard stuff that - our members tell us - somehow feels a little lighter and more connecting.
2. We shape the Group Culture together
Over time, we’ve developed a Group Culture with our members. It reflects our shared desire to hold this unique kind of mental health space for one another. One that’s real, but not overwhelming.
For this to work, we have to hold this culture together. Below, we’ve outlined the bedrock ideas of this culture, including what you can do to help keep us in that real-but-not-overwhelming sweet spot, in our monthly talks or any other shared Big Feels Club spaces.
Also, this Group Culture is subject to change as we learn together about how best to hold this space. Have thoughts about what you read here? Send them to us!
Ground Rules
Our Group Culture starts with two hard-and-fast Ground Rules. There’s no grey area with these ones, so please stick to them.
— Don’t be a dick -- i.e. don’t be mean, deliberately disrespectful, or deliberately disruptive.
— Don’t judge other people or their life choices -- this includes judging or denigrating groups of people. That sounds obvious, right? But the thing is, most of us have some feelings toward groups of people, even if it’s just, say, people who do or don’t feed their dogs grain-free kibble. We’re a broad church at Big Feels - we span many generations, countries, backgrounds and worldviews - so please be mindful of that.
The thing is, we’re here to talk about feelings, not to work out the finer details of dog diets or any other hot button topics. So if it’s not the topic at hand, and someone says something that you disagree with, if you can, let them be wrong? This helps keep us on topic, and it also helps us avoid some of the more heightened, upsetting features of the rest of the internet. (There’s plenty enough of that on Twitter, right?)
Broader principles
Beyond the hard-and-fast Ground Rules, here are the broader principles we’re collectively trying to observe. These principles aren’t as cut-and-dry as the ground rules, so it’s okay if they’re not completely clear right away.
Once you come to a talk you’ll get the vibe. And questions are welcome, so if you’re unsure please get in touch.
— Respect that this space can’t hold everything
i.e. please respect that the Big Feels Club talks and other forums are not spaces designed for 100% honest, unedited sharing.
We totally understand that you might be having big, overwhelming feelings (after all, it’s the name of the Club!) but some topics and conversations can be particularly overwhelming for other club members (and us too), so please do try to keep that in mind when deciding what to share.
For example: If someone says, “I’m thinking about my own death a lot lately,” this is likely to make us all worry - even if that person isn't asking for any particular support or input on their situation.
If you’re having these sorts of thoughts (about your own death) and need to connect, there are places that can support you to explore those thoughts and feelings more directly, and which are better equipped for this kind of radical honesty. If you do feel like you need that, we’ve put together a list of support options. It includes a few things run by people who’ve been through it themselves, designed specifically for nourishing conversations about stuff like suicidal thoughts.
In the meantime, it’s worth saying: you are absolutely still welcome to make the most of everything the Big Feels Club can offer you, even as you also explore those other more tailored supports when you need them.
So, to be clear, since this is a delicate one: The Big Feels Club is definitely a space for honesty about tender, vulnerable stuff! But it has its limits. What we’re naming here is that there are certain things you’ll still likely hold back in Big Feels Club spaces, in the interest of not overwhelming your fellow club members.
Note: 100% unedited sharing can also be overwhelming to us, your humble Big Feels Club stewards! So please consider this in your private correspondence with us too.
— Respect people’s privacy
We don’t have a hard-and-fast rule that ‘everything you hear in Big Feels is confidential’. This is because the truth is, if something touches you deeply, you tend to want to talk about it. So this is fine! But we ask that you avoid using people’s names or other clearly identifying info.
It’s a small world, and you never know who might know each other. So for example, saying ‘the lady with the blue hair who works that supermarket in Brunswick’ is still identifying, even if you’re not using their name.
— Unsolicited advice can feel disconnecting
Unless someone’s asking for suggestions, let's be curious instead?
We all have the desire to tell people about a thing we’ve found really useful ourselves. This is a great impulse! But sometimes the last thing you want is another suggestion of what you should be doing differently (especially if you’ve been hearing these sorts of things from all the other well-meaning folks in your life).
So feel free to share things that have worked for you (it’s encouraged!). But try to avoid framing it as advice (‘you should try this thing I did!’).
A non-advice-y version might be something more like: ‘You might have already thought of this, and this stuff definitely doesn’t work for everybody, but I actually found Crying On My Dog Therapy (CMDT) surprisingly helpful. I’m happy to say more about it if people are interested.’’
— Curiosity saved the sensitive cat?
There are a few things we’ve said we’ll steer away from in our shared spaces: judging others, giving unsolicited advice. So what’s the alternative? In so many cases we reckon it comes down to simple curiosity.
We’re all charting our own unique paths through life with big feelings. It’s messy, it’s confusing. If you encounter an idea or way of seeing things that pushes a button for you, can you meet it with curiosity? (And what happens when you do?)
What that can look like, is to approach other big feeler’s descriptions of their experience with curiosity within yourself (“I wonder what has led them to see their experience in that way?”) or, if you do want to ask them questions about their experience, to phrase it in a way that doesn’t involve judgement (“you said that Crying On My Dog Therapy was helpful to you - that’s not something I’ve found helpful in the past so I’m curious, what was it that you found helpful about it?”).
— It’s okay to not have the answer
In fact, it’s encouraged! Our discussions are usually not tied up with a nice neat ribbon at the end, because that’s often not how life (or feelings) work.
This does mean that Big Feels discussions can sometimes leave you with big things rattling around your brain after. And of course this is the case! These are big, personal topics we’re exploring together, even if we aren’t usually diving into the details of individual club members’ stories.
That’s one reason we suggest doing something nice for yourself after our sessions, like taking a walk to your favourite tree, or whatever helps you feel a little more grounded. We trust that you know what you need to do to take care of yourself - and that may sometimes involve leaving a Big Feels talk early, or connecting with others in a more targeted space like we mentioned above.
— We’ll try, but we likely can’t accommodate everyone’s needs all of the time -- In any shared space, we are bound to have competing needs. We encourage feedback about what could work better for you in our shared spaces. Where there are competing needs though, we may not be able to accommodate everyone’s preferences, because that may simply not be possible. Which brings us to our final principle. . .
— We won’t be perfect -- That includes our members, and it includes those of us running the talks and other shared spaces. We’ll all do our best to uphold the Group Culture, and we’ll learn as we go.
As we said above, this Group Culture is subject to change as we learn together about how best to hold this space. Have thoughts about what you read here? Send them to us!
Thanks for reading :)