Doing the scary thing
Psychological Spelunkers! Graham here.
A week from now, I’ll be underwater.
(With a scuba tank, that is.)
I’m going on a last-minute diving trip to the Great Barrier Reef.
I say “last-minute”. What I mean is, Honor has had a diving trip booked for months, to which I was always invited, but hadn’t committed to joining.
I’d spent those last few months agonising over whether or not to go. At times I was sure I wouldn’t (‘get on a boat with strangers? IN A PANDEMIC??’). At other times I wished I could, but felt sure I was too much of a delicate flower for that kind of thing (‘I’d just be anxious and no fun the whole time, go without me’).
Then finally, just a couple of weeks out, I decided ‘screw it, I’m in!’
I’m not sure where this sudden burst of bravado came from, but here I am booking last-minute flights and researching ‘what do you wear under a wetsuit?’As the trip gets closer, it’s bringing up a few feelings.
Invitations: always a mixed blessing
Why do people invite me to things, honestly? Don’t they know how much anguish it causes?
Ahem.
Of course I love that there are at least a few people who want to see my face from time to time, including on the occasional once-in-a-lifetime undersea adventure. But every invite presses firmly on my ‘am I the only one who finds life this hard?’ button.
Look it’s a big button, that one. (Just me?)
I stress over the details of whatever thing I’ve been invited to. I stress over the amount of undue stress it’s causing me, before I’ve even said ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
I agonise in the familiar limbo between the terror of ‘sure, see you then!’ and the loneliness of ‘I’d love to but I can’t’.
I picture the event so many times in the lead up that, even if I end up not going, I swear I’m as tired as if I’ve attended multiple times, in multiple universes.
And of course, all this makes me feel all the more convinced I’m not cut out for social events and holidays.
‘Love me, and get away from me’
This is the dilemma of life as a sensitive cat.
Here’s a simple truth that’s hard to say out loud: For some of us, it’s not easy to feel comfortable around other people.
There are many good reasons for this. Shyness, introversion, anxiety. In my case it’s often a combination of the last two, along with something I’m still only just beginning to really understand. Something I’ve experienced as long as I can remember: a hyperfocus on the unsaid, the small gestures, the hidden tensions in any social setting.
This hyper focus, it’s a strength sometimes. I can know what someone else is feeling before they do. I can help make people feel comfortable, in small, meaningful ways.
But it’s a switch I can’t easily turn off. I’ll catch myself listening to a podcast, and stressing out about whether the guests feel they’ve each had enough time to speak.
Sounds relaxing?
Simply put, I often find it exhausting to be around other people, because I often have a lot going on.
And yet, I so dearly want to be with them. Not all the time, sure. But I want these connections in my life.
The sensitive cat’s dilemma is really this: ‘Love me! And get away from me… please?’
(Oh and hopefully, ‘come back?’)
Two trips in one
I think one of the reasons I said yes to this diving trip is, it’s been a dream of Honor’s to finally see the Barrier Reef (in whatever state we’ll find it). And I want to be there with her when she does. I want to do the hard thing because I want to do it with her, specifically.
I’m actually not that worried about the diving bit (scary as that might be to some people, I usually like that sort of thing). I’m much more afraid of how I’ll go when I’m out of the water.
We’re staying three days on a crowded boat. I might catch COVID again. I don’t know if I’ll get any precious alone time. It’s a multiple-button pusher, this trip.
I know it will likely be very challenging, at times. But I want to do it. I want those shared memories, the kind that only come when you step outside your comfort zone with someone you love.
And in a way, it’ll be two trips in one.
There’ll be the dives, those blissful trips underwater, into a silent, slow world. The peace of the deep (where there’s no such thing as ‘small talk’).
And then there’ll be all in the bits in-between, the crowded boat, the loudness of strangers.
These two very different strands, weaved together. It feels like a metaphor for all holidays, or all the hard things we do in the name of connection. There’s the parts that are horrible, and the parts that are great. There’s those moments of ‘love me’, and those moments of ‘get away from me’.
Excitement in the tension
And you know what? Alongside my simmering tension about how I’ll go next week, and the usual background judgements (‘you shouldn’t be so tense about a holiday!’) there’s something else too.
Excitement.
I’m genuinely excited about having an adventure. About saying ‘yes’ to something I really didn’t think I’d say yes to.
And I’m curious what it might be like if there were room for both bits of the experience. The scary, overwhelming, ‘I’d like to go home now’ loudness of the world outside my comfort zone. And those little moments of adventure, new memories. The tension and the excitement, all weaved together.
So often, we think it has to be one or the other. That a holiday laced with tension and anxiety can’t possibly be restful or rejuvenating. But who says that’s true? As we say at the very top of the Big Feels website, life is terrifying, so surely the fun stuff will be too?
Maybe an adventure can be both overwhelming and just what I need. I don’t know, but I’m up for finding out…
The latest two members talks are up now, for your viewing or listening pleasure :)
Here's May's talk, on how to keep up friendships when you find people exhausting.
And here's June's talk, where we checked in with each other on how you 'find your recipe' for feeling like you belong in the world.
Not a member but keen to check these out? Click here to get a free month's subscription, to see if it's for you. Or if money's a barrier, read about our scholarship program here.
The book!
Speaking of things we do to find connection, my eBook, How to Belong on Earth, is available for download now. Read all about it here, or click the big pink button below.
The book is 'pay-by-donation', so you can pay what you want. Thanks to all those who've donated! You're helping us keep doing what we do :)
— Graham xx
