How can you let people know you're in a shame spiral... when you're in a shame spiral?
First, a theory. There are two basic kinds of feelings: primary emotions, and secondary emotions.
Primary emotions are your immediate emotional response to something (I’m upset because no one liked the post of my dog looking adorable.) Secondary emotions are our feelings about those feelings (I’m ashamed that I care so much that no one has liked the post of my dog looking adorable.)
Only ten likes? Why do I care so much???
Often, what really gets you is the secondary emotion, the notion that you shouldn’t be feeling how you're feeling. You shouldn’t still be so sad about that break up. You shouldn’t get so angry when your sister says something thoughtless.
The dangers of organised sport
I was reminded of this self-judgey dance recently on - of all places - a basketball court.
I was playing in my team’s (very) social league, and I screwed something up that meant the other team scored. My teammate told me off, in a way that was slightly over the top given our team motto is wait, which basket is ours again?, but it was nothing I wouldn’t normally shrug off.
Except for some reason instead I just crumpled. I left the court and sat on the bench, avoiding eye contact with anyone. When a friend asked ‘what’s wrong?’, all I could think was, PLEASE stop drawing attention to me right now. Because my only answer to that question sounded ridiculous. I feel awful because I just got told off. I am 33 years old.
Full disclosure, there was a whole lot of context here. I’d had a terrible day. I’d found out my grandfather was dying, and I’d also managed to have a spectacularly heart-wrenching run-in with my Very Recent, Very Significant Ex. So I had every reason to feel like a turtle without its shell. But in the moment, none of those reasons were near to hand.
Feelings you can't explain when you're feeling them
The basketball thing made me think about how we narrate our big feelings for others - how difficult it can be to translate our feelings when we are busy feeling them.
The phrase ‘panic attack’ is a useful short-hand. People who have experienced something similar tend to get it nice and quick. And people who haven’t at least have something to help them understand why they don’t understand.
Except I wasn’t feeling panic on the basketball court. I was feeling shame. That wasn’t the primary emotion (really I just had my feelings hurt pure and simple) but the sheer volume of feelings caught me off guard, and I felt ashamed at how much I was affected by a few careless words.
We don’t really have a phrase that describes this experience, so I’m gonna go with shame spiral. I like how that describes the significance of the feeling, without in itself being too shamey or negative.
I looked up the history of the phrase ‘panic attack’, trying to think when I first heard it. Apparently it’s been in use since 1970. Maybe it’s time we add a few more to this list of ‘Feelings That Can’t Be Immediately Explained By The Person Feeling Them’?
Can we make a Bat Signal for feelings?
Let's be honest, Batman is probably the last friend you'd call when you need empathy and comfort. Still there's something appealing about the idea of a shorthand signal for when you can't get the words out.
I told a friend the above basketball story, and she’s since established 🌀🌀🌀 as her go to text when she needs to tell someone she’s in a shame spiral. Her friends know what it means, and what she wants (and doesn’t want) in those situations.
As it happened, I didn’t even need a signal that day on the basketball court. Two different friends noticed me leave, and texted simply to say: call if you need. Eventually I did, and I was able to unpack all that context. They didn’t have to say much, just listen, and tell me some version of those four magic words:
Your feelings make sense.