Doing the things that scare you
I think I’ve finally worked it out.
The essential process. The secret pattern behind some of the best decisions I've ever made.
Ready?
It has three steps. It goes like this.
Fuck no
Maybe tho?
Fuck yeah!
An example
You ask me to do something. Something simple enough, like come to your house for a small gathering.
(You fiend.)
These are the exact steps I’ll run through.
(Step 1) Fuck no. There’ll be PEOPLE there.
(Step 2) Maybe I should though? I’ve been feeling guilty about drifting apart from this particular friend group… I’ll think about it…?
And then comes the crucial third step, only after I’ve actually managed to get myself to the thing.
(Step 3) Oh this was actually good! And I feel really good the next day! Now let's forget this immediately and do the whole dance again!
The same pattern applies to bigger commitments
This was the three-step process underlying my scuba dive trip last year - which went from a ‘fuck no I’m not doing that’ to a ‘fuck yes that was life-changing!’
Without realising it, I wrote about the exact same pattern just recently for the ABC, in a piece about how I reluctantly joined a community choir:
Fuck no
“In the letterbox is a cute, hand-drawn flyer for a new choir someone is starting, just around the corner from us.
Pre-emptively I offer, ‘This looks super cute, right? And of course there's no way I'm going.’”
Maybe tho?
“The first week's choir session is tonight. It's been weighing down my calendar like some super-dense object, pulling the whole week towards it.”
Fuck yeah!
You can read what actually happened here. But the short version is: fuck yeah.
Once you see this pattern, it’s everywhere
This three-step pattern is like the drumbeat underlying all my decisions, big and small, so constant as to go unnoticed all these years.
I feel like I’ve discovered some new Joseph Campbell-ian archetypal myth.
The Myth of the Anxious Cat.
(They worshipped us in Ancient Egypt y’know.)
Such a simple pattern, and yet now that I’m seeing it, it unlocks all sorts of possibilities.
What does ‘fuck no’ really mean?
For one thing, there’s something I’ve noticed about these ‘fuck no’s’.
On first inspection, they appear so concrete. So clear.
“That’s a thing I just don’t want to do.”
Arms folded.
Simple.
Unimpeachable.
And yet…
As I collect more and more examples of how utterly I can change my mind once I actually try the thing, I have to reappraise what that ‘fuck no’ really means.
So lately I’ve been getting curious when a ‘fuck no’ comes up.
Is this a sign I just don’t want to do something?
Or is this particular ‘fuck no’ something I actually really want to do, but don’t believe I can?
It’s not just a regular ‘no’
Of course not every ‘no’ is a gateway to a profound experience. Sometimes you just really don’t want to do something.
I’d add that if you’ve been pushing yourself quite a bit lately, saying ‘no’ to even something you’re genuinely on the fence about can be a liberating experiencein its own right.
Except here’s the thing. For me at least, I think when I just don’t want to do something, it’s usually not a ‘fuck no’. It’s just a plain old ‘no’.
There’s less heat behind it, because I’m not wrestling with something internally.
For me, a really strong ‘fuck no’ is now a clue. A prompt to get curious, because of what so often lies on the other side.
Treasure in the cave
In both the above examples - the scuba trip and the choir - what I found on the other side of my ‘fuck no’ was something of great value.
On the scuba trip, I was crammed into multiple planes and then three days on a tiny boat with thirty other people, all after spending months barely leaving my house because of covid fatigue. This trip greatly lessened my morbid fear of catching covid again. It was my gateway to re-entering the world.
With the choir, it was the first time in years I’d been able to sing without pain following my throat injury. I’d known for some time that my vocal pain was no longer physically based, but there was something about singing with others that took this from an intellectual knowing to a full-embodied freedom in my rediscovered voice.
If we’re staying with the Joseph Campbell metaphors, in both these examples I went deep into a scary cave, and found a great treasure that I could bring back to my everyday life.
Of course there’s a dragon
Of course, the cave is guarded by a dragon (‘fuck no!’). And dragons don’t tend to give up without a fight.
So there’s one more step I’d add to the process.
Fuck no
Maybe tho?
*Some period of agony and torment before finally doing the thing*
Fuck yeah!
That period of agony and torment, it’s not a bug in the code. It’s a crucial part of what makes the whole thing so profound.
It’s why the ‘fuck no’ is never frivolous or silly. When you think about it, the ‘fuck no’ is actually quite sensible.
If you know that saying yes to a big party will mean days of agony and torment about whether you’ll actually go, then it’s quite sensible that your first reaction is ‘no thanks’.
But heroes aren’t sensible, are they? That’s why they get the treasure.
Our choir doing our first performance. Rare treasure alright.
The *really* big life decisions
In the past few months, I’ve noticed this same pattern playing out on an even bigger issue in my life: the question of whether or not to have kids.
Oh that little question...
I’d spent a lot of years on the fence, and then some time in the ‘fuck no’ camp.
It’s only recently that I’ve come to really understand what was going on for me. It wasn’t ‘fuck no I don’t want to’, it was ‘fuck no I don’t think I can.’
(‘I’m too this or too that to have a child,’ etc.)
I’m now seeing that in a very different way. I still don’t know what will actually happen (because, who does). But I’ve realised that having a kid is something I very much want, but just didn’t know if I could handle. Which is a very different thing, isn't it?
Like I said, this pattern is everywhere, once you start to see it.
My rules
Play with either one of these, if you want to. My current rules:
-- I have to turn up, but I don’t have to stay
i.e. if I get an invite to something that I’d usually say a default ‘no’ to, I have to go, even if it’s just for five minutes. This rule works best for things like parties, where you can realistically leave quickly (even if it’s awkward). So far it gets me to the thing every time and I end up sticking around.
-- Notice my 'fuck no’s'. Get curious.
When my default ‘no’ has some real heat behind it, it’s quite possibly a sign of something I actually really want to do, but don’t believe I can. Lately this means I usually end up saying ‘yes’, and seeing where the adventure takes me.
Questions for YOU!
What’s an example of where a ‘fuck no’ has turned into a ‘fuck yes’ for you?
What’s something you’re a ‘fuck no’ about right now but you suspect you might actually want to do?
How do you know the difference between 'I just don’t want to do it' and 'I secretly want to but I don’t think I can'?
If you like, click here to share your answers.
I may share your responses in a future newsletter :)
That’s all for now.
— Graham xx
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